There comes a moment in your life when something so tiny can redefine your life in an instant. That was mine. I was overjoyed in tears probably looking crazy among all the zombies in line to the bus so early in the morning. Suddenly, life lit up a clear direction on my path that went on endlessly full of possibilities. “I’m having a baby. We’re having a baby.” I knew this piece of information was still uncertain. I knew about superstitions of not telling anyone at this stage. But when you’re overjoyed, you just had to share it with someone. I sent Miguel a photo of the tests. “What’s this?!? Are you suuuuuuree????” He called and we just both laughed.
Triumph. It was a moment of life’s triumph overcoming death. The leaving of offspring, your offspring. The carrying on of other versions of you. I read them in books, heard them in songs, learned them in school and witnessed them in other people’s lives. But it was happening to us now. We were not on the sidelines watching others’ experiences anymore. We were experiencing it for ourselves. I could go on romanticizing and raving philosophical whatnots, turning into a complete nutcase…but anyway..
Life went on. Work went on. But work went on differently. After my 4pm shift, I told my husband that I just did my first show with ‘her’. It felt great. For once after a very long time, "When You Wish Upon A Star" felt real again. If your heart is in your dreams, no request is too extreme..When you wish upon a star, as dreamers do.. I felt every word, held on to every note, breathed into every line imagining it was somehow shaping her inside me. I’d whisper things to her during my quick changes and crossovers. I supported myself carefully in each jump and each lift.
November 11, 2014. The doctor gave us my expected delivery date. She was going to be a Scorpio. It was still too early as I was five and a half weeks into pregnancy but I knew the baby was going to be a girl. Miguel and I thought of possible names for a girl or a boy. We imagined what life would be like — moving into a two bedroom flat, who was going to get up to change diapers in the middle of the night, getting a good nanny, surveying the nursery schools around our area.
Doctor came back with my blood test results confirming I was, indeed, pregnant. My HCG or pregnancy hormone was on the low side though. I had to take another test to see if my hormones were growing fast enough to meet the level required at 5 1/2 going on 6th week. We were first time parents and we were just learning about the nitty gritty part of the first trimester in pregnancy. I was put on bed rest, no lifting, no physical activity.
We were so scared that the idea of not having this baby was possible but not welcomed at all. We started looking for comfort online from women who had low pregnancy hormones but who were still able to proceed with a healthy pregnancy. One woman even had a lower number that grew exponentially in a matter of days and went on to having a baby. We held on to these stories and hoped that it could happen to us too.
Second results came back. My HCG dropped. My OB Gyne confirmed the pregnancy was not going to proceed. I would bleed soon and eventually the body would just naturally flush out the failed pregnancy. And I did. He said that it was not uncommon and that 1 out of 5 women experience miscarriage. It didn’t seem like it..but only because many choose not to talk about it.
Miguel and I both cried. It was our first ever positive pregnancy test and we took it several times just because we always saw that second line. I cried because I felt as if my life was just starting. I cried because I felt so alone and I wish we were home with our families who were just as excited as we were and who would just be there. I cried because the first thing I did when I learned that I was pregnant was to let my boss know and my colleagues know because they will be doing more shows to cover for me. I cried because they also shared my joy. But most of all, I cried because we will never get to know our baby. I told Miguel that while I was waiting at the clinic one morning, I saw a mom with a baby. I knew right away what our baby would smell like in the morning or how her head would feel like resting on my shoulder.
I often wonder these days why it had to happen this way. Why give so much hope only to be taken away so quickly. This happened to us and tragic as it may be.. I do not want to be afraid to try again.
To my dear little stardust, you are never forgotten. You belonged to us even just for a short while. Thank you for giving us so much hope and life. You will always be my favorite “what if”.
"If happy little blue birds fly
Beyond the rainbow why oh why can’t I?”
- Somewhere Over The Rainbow